Re-reading BEES (Part 2)

Here's Part 2 of my series of posts about things I've discovered on re-listening to Diana Gabaldon's GO TELL THE BEES THAT I AM GONE, Book 9 in the OUTLANDER series. (Part 1 is here, in case you missed it.)

*** SPOILER WARNING!! ***

If you haven't read GO TELL THE BEES THAT I AM GONE, there are SPOILERS below! Read at your own risk!

Here's an example of a scene I rushed through a little too fast on previous readings, and I'm finding much more to ponder in it this time, now that I'm taking a slow, deliberate approach through the book. This is from Jamie and Roger's conversation about Roger's time in 1739 and his encounters with Brian Fraser and Jack Randall.

Roger has just told Jamie about the time he went to see Captain Randall at Fort William:

“[Buck and I] could have stopped him. Killed him, I mean. We were armed. I’d been to see him before, with your da. He’d have no fear of me; I could have gone into his office with Buck and done it. Or we might have followed him to his lodgings, done it there; we’d have had a good chance of getting away.”

Jamie had flinched, just once, at the word “da.” He sat quiet now, though, his eyes the only thing alive in his face.

“I wouldn’t let Buck do it,” Roger blurted, speaking to those eyes. “I knew what would happen--all of it--and I let it happen. To your family. To you.”

(From GO TELL THE BEES THAT I AM GONE by Diana Gabaldon, chapter 8, "Visitations". Copyright © 2021 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

On re-reading, Jamie's response really struck a chord with me. It's a quote I had forgotten, and I like it very much, particularly that last line:

“I spent a great deal of time thinking, ken,” Jamie said conversationally, tilting his head toward the creek, “when I lived as an outlaw after Culloden. Out under the sky, listening to the voices ye hear in the wind. And I would look back, wondering at the things I’d done--and not done--and thinking what if I’d done it differently? If we’d not chosen to try to stop Charles Stuart...it would have been different for us, at least, if not for the Highlands. I’d maybe have kept Claire by me. If I’d not gone to fight Jack Randall in the Bois de Boulogne, would I have two daughters now?” He shook his head, the lines in his face deep and his eyes dark with shadows.

“No man owns his own life,” he said. “Part of you is always in someone else’s hands. All ye can do is hope it’s mostly God’s hands you’re in.”

(From GO TELL THE BEES THAT I AM GONE by Diana Gabaldon, chapter 8, "Visitations". Copyright © 2021 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

Here we get a rare glimpse of what those years without Claire were like for him, especially in the beginning. Living in the cave, alone for all that time with his own thoughts, grieving for Claire and the child he thought he'd never see.

In later years, Jamie prefers not to dwell too much on the past, obsessing over "what-ifs". He and Claire have talked about it occasionally:

“I--I didn’t look back. I didn’t think I could stand to find out--what happened.” I bit my lip; the admission seemed a betrayal. “It wasn’t that I tried--that I wanted--to forget,” I said, groping clumsily for words. “I couldn’t forget you; you shouldn’t think that. Not ever. But I--”

“Dinna fash yourself, Sassenach,” he interrupted. He patted my hand gently. “I ken what ye mean. I try not to look back myself, come to that.”

“But if I had,” I said, staring down at the smooth grain of the linen, “if I had--I might have found you sooner.”

[....]

“No. I told ye to go, and I told ye to forget. Shall I blame ye for doing as I said, Sassenach? No.”

“But we might have had more time!” I said.

[....]

“Aye, we might. But to think of that--we cannot.” His eyes met mine steadily, searching. “I canna look back, Sassenach, and live,” he said simply. “If we have no more than last night, and this moment, it is enough.”

(From VOYAGER by Diana Gabaldon, chapter 26, "Whore's Brunch". Copyright © 1994 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

It's only natural that Jamie would have struggled with "what-ifs" and "if-onlys", in those first years after Culloden. But I think we hadn't really seen that, until this conversation with Roger many years later in BEES. It makes sense to me that this realization, "I canna look back, and live", must have been something Jamie came to gradually, probably over a period of years. Eventually he decided there was no point in torturing himself with thoughts of what might have been. So he put his trust in God, and tried to move on with what remained of his life.

And in this context, in this scene in BEES, I think he's also telling Roger not to beat himself up, nor torment himself with "what-ifs", for not killing Jack Randall in 1739 when he had the chance. That's something I've struggled with myself (in very different circumstances, of course <g>), and I find Jamie's attitude helpful.

Look here for the other posts in this series. I'll post more of my thoughts on re-reading BEES in the coming weeks. Stay tuned!