Funniest lines or scenes from the books

"Jamie...I said...for all she's a Sassenach bitch...with a tongue like an adder's...with a bum like that...what does it matter if she's a f-face like a sh-sh-sheep?"

(From OUTLANDER by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 27, "The Last Reason". Copyright© 1991 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

"I'll leave it to you, Sassenach," he said dryly, "to imagine what it feels like to arrive unexpectedly in the midst of a brothel, in possession of a verra large sausage."

(From DRAGONFLY IN AMBER by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 27, "L'Hôpital des Anges". Copyright© 1992 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

"Stop trying to change the subject. We were talking about your firmness.”

“Well, ye can just stop talking about it, because--” He broke off with a small yelp, as I made a fortunate grab with my left hand.

“Clumsy, am I?” I said, with considerable satisfaction. “Oh, my. Heavens, you do have a problem, don’t you?”

“Will ye leave go of me?” he hissed, looking frantically over his shoulder at the door. “Someone could come in any moment!”

“I told you you should have bolted the door,” I said, not letting go. Far from being a dead mullet, the object in my hand was exhibiting considerable liveliness.

He eyed me narrowly, breathing through his nose.

“I wouldna use force on a sick woman,” he said through his teeth, “but you’ve a damn healthy grip for someone with a fever, Sassenach."

(From VOYAGER by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 56, "Turtle Soup". Copyright© 1994 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

There had luckily been enough sewage in the bottom of the pit to break his fall. From appearances, the ninth Earl of Ellesmere had landed facedown. Lord John stood for a moment on the path, wiping his hands on his breeches and surveying the encrusted object before him. He rubbed the back of a hand over his mouth, trying either to hide a smile or to stifle his sense of smell.

Then his shoulders started to shake.

“What news from the Underworld, Persephone?” he said, unable to keep the quaver of laughter out of his voice.

(From DRUMS OF AUTUMN by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 25, "Enter a Serpent". Copyright© 1997 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

"Oh, no, Father; it was a barrel churn. The sort that lies on its side, aye, with a wee handle to turn it? Well, it’s only that she was workin’ the churn with great vigor, and the laces of her bodice undone, so that her breasts wobbled to and fro, and the cloth clinging to her with the sweat of her work. Now, the churn was just the right height--and curved, aye?--so as make me think of bendin’ her across it and lifting her skirts, and--”

My mouth opened involuntarily in shock. That was my bodice he was describing, my breasts, and my butter churn! To say nothing of my skirts. I remembered that particular occasion quite vividly, and if it had started with an impure thought, it certainly hadn’t stopped there.

(From THE FIERY CROSS by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 13, "Beans and Barbecue". Copyright© 2001 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

Feminine fingers wiggled gently in his grasp, and the hand’s fellow promptly took up operations in its stead. His first coherent thought was that the lassie would be an excellent baker, so good as she was at kneading.

Other thoughts followed rapidly on the heels of this absurdity, and he tried to grab the second hand. It playfully eluded him in the dark, poking and tweaking.

He groped for a polite protest in Cherokee, but came up with nothing but a handful of random phrases in English and Gaelic, none of them faintly suitable to the occasion.

[....]

“Ian, there is a woman in my bed,” he said in Gaelic, trying to match his nephew’s calm tone.

“There are two of them, Uncle Jamie."

(From A BREATH OF SNOW AND ASHES by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 14, "People of the Snowbird". Copyright© 2005 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

"Would you care to explain to me exactly which aspects of plant inspection require a penis?"

(From AN ECHO IN THE BONE by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 16, "Unarmed Conflict". Copyright© 2009 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)

I’d considered that with a sort of morbid relish--I might have been ten--and then asked with interest just how a vestal might betray her vows. Which is how I learned what used to be called “the facts of life,” Uncle Lamb not being one to shirk any fact that wandered across his path, or mine. And while Uncle Lamb had assured me that the cult of Vesta had long since ceased operations, I had at that point resolved not to be a virgin, just in case.

(From WRITTEN IN MY OWN HEART'S BLOOD by Diana Gabaldon, Chapter 55, "Vestal Virgins". Copyright© 2014 by Diana Gabaldon. All rights reserved.)